


Merry Moron-mas!

by Trista_zevkia



Series: Christmas in Smallville [1]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Smallville: adjusted, Superman (Comics), Superman - All Media Types, Superman/Batman (Comics), World's Finest (Comics)
Genre: Identity Porn, M/M, Yule, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-17
Updated: 2011-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-27 10:50:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/294995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trista_zevkia/pseuds/Trista_zevkia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Smallville's Justice League has an anonymous 'helper'. Who 'helps' by hacking into their computers and calling them pathetic while updating their security codes and feeding them information of interest.<br/>7th or 8th season of Smallville</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stupid Mistakes

_You forgot to carry the one._

The words flashed on the computer screen before a new answer to the equation popped up. Clark glared at the screen and reworked the equation. The words were correct; Clark blamed the distraction of having to leave twice to stop liquor store robberies. Strange computer program though, he’d never heard of one that corrected user input.

If he ever found Chloe, he’d have to ask what program it was. That corrected equation showed the trail of money that proved Sid Saperstein was a mobster, a tiny mistake that would have let a guilty man go free. Shaking his head, Clark made a mental note to be more careful in the future and went on.

sBSbBs

_Really? Another stupid mistake?_

Clark jerked back from the words on his screen, which then flipped over to show the latitude and longitude of a spot two miles to the west of his answer. Not sure what to do about it, Clark checked the code again. It was another simple mistake in his math. Clark didn’t imagine a computer would be programmed to be condescending, so he must be imagining the tone of the words.

sBSbBs

_You’re dumber than ‘the Blur’ aren’t you Ollie?_

“Clark! Come look at this!”

At the panic in Ollie’s voice, Clark sped over to see what the problem was. He just got a look at the words before they disappeared and the site Ollie was attempting to hack opened before them.

“I’ve had a few strange remarks, but that’s the first one that mentioned names.” Clark said.

“I don’t think a computer would put quotes around ‘the Blur’ nor would Chloe have typed it in that way if she put me down as Ollie.” Eyes meeting in the reflections of the monitor, Clark acknowledged the thought they both seemed to be having.

“Once we finish looking into this company, we’ll check the security protocols on all our systems.”

Ollie went back to finding the real holder of the shell company that was laundering mob money. When that was done, four hours of checking the computers showed nothing amiss. Changing passwords and upgrading software as best they could, Clark and Ollie called it a night. Shortly before dawn, the computers came alive, as though somebody was remotely looking to see what they had done.

sBSbBs

_She screams! Woo, scary, and not at all a sexist ability._

“Clark! What the hell is this?”

“Sorry Dinah. I thought we’d fixed that.” Clark had sped over to read the words after the cry of annoyance from the Black Canary.

“Fixed it? It’s a hacker, not a glitch!”

“I know, but we upgraded things.” Dinah had a scathing response to Clark’s words, but he held up a hand in surrender before she could speak. “But Chloe designed these systems and I’m not good enough to get rid of the hacker who could hack her.”

“Well, I was looking for a way of enhancing my abilities, not insults! I’ll just look from my computers, thanks.” Spinning up and out of the chair, Canary grabbed her jacket on the way out.

_Like I couldn’t hack that in my sleep._

Clark thought it wisest not to point out those words to the retreating Canary. Instead he made another attempt at upgrading the security protocols. Clark even used some of the money Ollie provided to buy corporation level security software. WayneTech had the newest and best according to the reports he found, but it was Ollie’s money. Surely Queen Industries was just as good, so Clark bought that.

When he completed the purchase, Clark closed the window to find a strange design on his screen. The legend in the bottom right of the image indicated it was a sonic amplification necklace and voice modulator. Saving the blueprints, Clark emailed them to Canary, careful to not mention their mysterious origins.

sBSbBs

_A boomerang arrow? That won’t come back to poke you in the ass._

Ollie glared at the review of his design, before calling behind him. “Clark, have you ever felt our hacker has nothing better to do than mock us?”

“Occasionally, but I think the snark is well intentioned.”

“You just have to see the good in everybody, don’t you?” Shaking his head at Clark’s ongoing innocence, Ollie turned back to read his screen.

_I do have better things to do, this is how I relax from doing them. Your pathetic attempts at crime fighting are like watching Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie as MI6 agents._

“So, he’s British then?” Ollie asked the world at large, hoping this was a clue. Clark drifted over to look over his shoulder.

_It’s called YouTube. What, has even your brain gone as moldy as that outfit you wear?_

“Look, hacking our computers and cases is one thing. Do you really need to hack our conversations too?” Clark was trying for reasonable, trying to even find an ally. The hand resting on Ollie’s shoulder prevented Ollie from getting creative with new uses for expensive computer monitors.

_Knowledge is power, loofah brain._

“Did you ever check the place for bugs?” Ollie was now glaring at Clark, as if this was somehow his fault.

“Daily Ollie. Even before Captain Snark showed up!”

“Don’t name it! Never name or feed a stray, it won’t go away.”

_I have a name. You have to earn it. Work hard, study, rest well, you might be worthy in ten, fifteen years._

“Well, it’ll be Captain Snark until you quit hiding in the computer like a coward!” Ollie was snarling at the computer, the condescending hacker being more than his nerves needed right now.

_What if I am a computer? How would you stop me?_

“First off, we wouldn’t tell you.” Ollie tried his own version of condescension on the screen.

_Actually a good answer, so you won’t be pissed if I don’t tell you how I plan to stop the lot of you._

“Why would you want to stop us?” Clark frowned at the computer, confused. “You’ve been helping us so far.”

_Stay good, or I’ll get you._

“Please! Some twelve year old with glasses and the muscle mass of a slug. We could take you out without breaking out the good arrows.” Ollie was yelling at the computer now, as if that would scare Captain Snark off.

_You’d have to find me first._

The center computer screen flipped off the words to show a map of Metropolis. Marked in green was the residence of each member of the JL. The blinking red lights that showed Clark and Ollie standing together were clearly the current locations of each member of the JL.

_Anybody want to play pin the tail on the blur?_

“Clark, destroy every computer in here and I’ll buy replacements!” Ollie’s voice hit a note Clark hadn’t known it was capable of. Without Chloe, it fell to Clark to be the voice of reason in the JL.

“And what will prevent the hacking of those computers, Ollie?”

“Now is not the time for reason!” With a frustrated grunt, Ollie jumped up and stormed out of the Watchtower. Clark sighed a soft reply to the closed door.

“It’s always the time for reason, Ollie.” Clark turned back to the screen in an effort to talk this hacker into leaving them alone. The screen was blank, and when the words came they almost made Clark’s jaw drop.

_Very true Clark. For that I’ll give you a hint. Every monitor in here has a web cam. built into it. I never had to visit you to bug you._

A quick survey of the room and Clark, feeling the world’s biggest fool, was ready to scream. They needed serious computer help, but Clark couldn’t trust the hacker enough to ask for more clues on how to get make their systems safe. He’d have to get a professional.

Clark shut down the non-essential systems in the Watchtower and went home. Laptop in hand, he went to an all night hot spot to research the latest breakthroughs in security software. Repeatedly, the same answer came to him. WayneTech was surging forward, crushing Luther Co and Queen Industries.

Bruce Wayne had resurfaced a little over a year ago, but was dismissed as an idiot by all concerned. Somebody else had to be the brains behind WayneTech’s current domination of the market. Ollie would get over the purchase, especially if he could bribe WayneTech’s resident genius to come and work for him. After Clark found out who that was, of course. WayneTech was hosting a technology conference this weekend in Gotham, so Clark figured he could find the wizkid there.

sBSbBs

Ollie insisted on going with him, in case they needed to crash parties or something. Ollie had then been separated from Clark before the conference even began by a herd of reporters. Clark sat through the morning alone, only finding Ollie when they were let into the dining room for lunch. Bruce Wayne showed up during the middle of the welcoming speech, making such a grand entrance that everybody stopped to look at him. He yawned while waving, posed on the platform for reporters and stumbled his way through a speech he’d probably never read before. Ollie sniggered through the speech, only to find Bruce pulling him to his feet afterward.

“Oliver Queen!” The struggling reporters caught up with Bruce to take pictures of the two of them, ignoring the rest of the room. Ollie had almost managed to hide his annoyance when Bruce spoke again. “Guess if you paid for your ticket, it’s not corporate spying. Don’t worry, we don’t mind sharing our secrets with the competition, as long as we get our cut.”

The audience laughed at Bruce’s carrying voice, and the reporters got great shots of Ollie looking like he was about to puke. Bruce moved on and the event organizers worked to get back onto schedule. Ollie snuck out as soon as he could, but Clark waited until the lunch was dismissed before looking for Ollie. Turning a corner into a hallway, Clark’s super-speed got him back around that corner before he could be seen. Bruce Wayne and Tess Mercer were melting against each other, but Tess’s face had been calculating as she nibbled on Bruce’s earlobe. Extending his hearing, Clark listened in.

“Brucie, my spies tell me you have a genius in your basement.” Tess murmured in that well nibbled ear.

Clark let his head rest on the wall behind him. The JL couldn’t afford to outbid Luther Co for Wayne’s wizkid.

“That’s the first time it’s ever been called that!” An amused Brucie was apparently the only one not fighting to corner the software market.

“I’m not talking about little Bruce.” Tess forced a giggle, but Brucie must have believed it was genuine.

“Then you shouldn’t be rubbing him while you talk about another.”

“Brucie, please help me.” Tess had to pause, the begging going against her every instinct. “I need security that can’t be hacked. What I’m doing will change the world, make it a utopia where nobody hurts anymore.”

“Sound like fun, as long as this woman I know gets to keep her whips. She makes the genius in my basement happy and sore.”

Clark turned disbelieving eyes toward the couple, looking at them through the wall. Tess looked as confused and irritated as Clark had ever seen her, even after dealing with Lois.

“Are you talking about your penis again?”

“Yes, aren’t you?”

Rolling her eyes, Tess alternated kisses to Bruce’s jaw with her words. “Brucie, I need whoever’s been developing your security upgrades.”

“Fox tells me they’re all available for purchase to anybody who can afford them. Surly Lex Co can afford them, what with all the weapons you’ve been selling lately.” Clark thought that Tess probably shouldn’t press that close to somebody whose idiocy was making her wince like that.

“I know, Wayne Enterprises is too pure to sully itself by selling guns. But we’re just trying to make a living. If you let me talk to your wizkid, I’ll make the world a paradise. Luther Co will stop selling weapons because nobody will need them in paradise.”

“That’s a good idea! I should ask Fox to make the world a paradise. How long do you think it will take him?”  
“I don’t know about Fox. My guys can do it overnight.”

“I’m confused.”

“Of course you are, Brucie.” Clark realized Tess was that close to Brucie, arms wrapped around him, to prevent herself from wrapping her hands around his neck and squeezing. “What are you confused about now?”

“If your guys can fix all the world’s problems overnight, why can’t they do it and then worry about security?” In the long silence that follows Brucie’s words, Clark can almost hear Tess trying to come up with a good explanation.

“Might have to break some eggs to make this omelet, and people would try and stop that.”

“Then your guys should explain it to everyone, or else it won’t be a paradise for everyone, ya’ know, if people are trying to stop it, cause they don’t like it or whatever.” Now Brucie sighed and spoke with irritation in his voice. “I think I’ve just confused myself. Talk it out with Fox, see what he says. Now can we go back to talking about my penis?”

“Brucie, please tell me who comes up with all your security software! So much depends on it.”

“Ask Fox, after we’re done in my hotel room.”

With a frustrated growl, Tess stepped away. “He won’t tell me because it’s a bad business decision and you’re probably too stupid to know who it is anyway!”

Tess set a quick march as she stormed away from the confused billionaire and Clark was distracted by what he saw in Brucie’s face. Tess was almost to the end of the hallway, so Clark jerked around and squatted, as if he was doing up his shoelaces. If Tess did notice him, he only hoped she didn’t also notice his loafers didn’t have shoelaces. How would he explain it to her, in her already provoked state? And why did he get the impression that Brucie was amused by Tess’s frustration with him?

Clark waited until the high heels had made their way into another corridor before daring to breathe. Before he stood, he froze at the sight of loafers to his left. Very expensive loafers, he’d wager, pointing at him. He’d clearly been too absorbed in watching Tess stalk off to hear Wayne walk up to him, but how had Wayne noticed him when Tess hadn’t?

“Are you hiding from me or Tess down there?” Repressing a guilty flush of color, Clark stood.

“Tess, actually. She’s my boss at the _Daily Planet,_ and I’m skipping work to be here.” True enough, if not the whole truth.

“So you’re not with the it department?”

“I.T.?” Clark couldn’t help but ask for clarification, but regretted it before Brucie replied.

“Even I know I.T. spells it. I hate when people try to act smart by saying I.T.”

Clark decided people shouldn’t be allowed to sound petulant after they were old enough to vote, particularly this person. “Right. So, what did Tess want from you, Mr. Wayne?”

“Tess?” Brucie looked confused for a moment, or even more confused than normal, until he looked down at himself. “She had a new pet name for my penis.”

Clark snorted, but he wasn’t sure if it was amusement, disbelief or some need to clear his sinuses. Wayne looked up at the noise, but all confusion was gone from his face. This look was somewhere between licentious and predatory. He leaned in to whisper at Clark, his right hand resting on Clark’s left hip.

“Do you want to meet the genius in my basement?”

While jerking backwards, Clark managed to trip over his own feet and land heavily on his butt. Clark took a moment to consider when the last time was that he fell without planning to. This gave Wayne time to offer him a hand, which Clark felt he had to accept out of politeness. This was yet another poorly thought out plan, Clark thought to himself a short while later. He’d gotten back on his feet, but Brucie hadn’t yet let go of his hand. He had the physical strength to pull his hand away of course, but it would have been really rude to do so without a good reason. And, he needed to be on Wayne’s good side.

“Mr. Wayne, I know some people in Metropolis who need your help. They are trying to do some good in the world, but they’ve got a hacker in their computers. They don’t have much money, but they need a computer expert to help them.” Clark put everything into his words, hoping to get through to the man who could fix things for them. “Would you let some of your employees assist them?”

“You do want to meet the genius in my basement!” Brucie’s eyes lit up, showing how little attention he had been paying to Clark’s words. Clark wondered if an eye laser lobotomy would actually make Brucie smarter.

“Brucie, come take some pictures!” Ollie called, sweet music to Clark’s ears.

Something like annoyance flashed across Wayne’s eyes before his million dollar grin came out. He turned to face Ollie and the reporters before letting go of Clark’s hand. Clark mouthed the words ‘thank you’ to Ollie before making good his escape. Any further negotiations between Mr. Wayne and the Justice League would be conducted by Ollie, Clark promised himself as he fled.

sBSbBs

Clark turned off the news, tired of seeing Ollie’s face splashed across it. Ollie had his reasons, but Clark still couldn’t believe he had told the world he was the Green Arrow! With the reporters, fans and cops wanting to talk to him, Clark didn’t think he stood a chance. His best bet was to keep the criminals and other enemies from harming Ollie while he was distracted by this sudden fame.

_Why’d he do it?_

“You eavesdrop on most of our conversations, so you should know.”

_Eavesdropping isn’t the same as knowing a person. You know him, so tell me why._

“Well, he felt it was best.” Clark talked to the curser in front of him, not even sure of why as he did so. When he’d talked himself out, explained the best he could, Clark felt better. Perhaps it was the catharsis of talking or maybe he was starting to think of Captain Snark as a friend.

_So the why is: he’s an idiot._

“That’s not what I said! He has good reasons, even if you don’t agree with his conclusions.”

_The shadows are safer. Not just for him but for anyone he cares about._

“Sometimes, you have to step into the light, if you want to inspire people.”

_Laughing my ass off now, thank you!_

“What’s so funny?”

_Inspire! Wait, are you serious?_

“Yes, I want to show people they don’t have to surrender to life, they don’t have to be victims!”

_The not victims are the ones I punish._

“People don’t need punishment, they need opportunities to be their best.” No, Clark wasn’t thinking of Captain Snark as a friend, just somebody who was around all the time. Clark doubted he could ever be friends with somebody as cynical as Captain Snark sounded.

_Do you also rescue kittens from trees and help old ladies cross the street? Or is believing in the tooth fairy enough to get you through the day?_

“I’ve never been a boy scout, but yes, I believe in the inherent decency in people.”

_I hope I find Chloe soon, because you need some brains in that tower!_

“Why are you looking for Chloe? If she comes back, she’ll be able to keep you out of our systems.”

_Tell yourself that._

“She did! We didn’t have a problem until a few weeks after she’d been gone.”

_After she left, I had to show myself to keep you from letting the guilty go free, remember?_

“Chloe didn’t leave, she was kidnapped.”

_Start with a faulty premise, and you’ll never find her._

“Tell me what you know! Chloe’s my friend and I want to help her, please.”

_Reverse that and you’ll know why she left. Must go, I think I’m being signaled._

“No! Come back here and tell me about Chloe!” The curser stopped blinking and the screen went dark. Frustrated, Clark took some steadying breathes before going back through the data they had on Chloe’s disappearance. This time, he started with the assumption that Chloe had left for her own mysterious reasons. Perhaps, like Ollie, she had done what she thought would be best for the JL.

sBSbBs

Clark sank in the chair, closed his eyes and rubbed at his forehead. A minute or two of this and he would get to work. He was just irritated at Ollie right now, it would pass. It would have passed sooner if he had a friend he could talk out his frustration with, but the JL was the closest he had right now. No room in his real life for friends, Lois was acting weird and even the Jor-El program was mad at him!

Tess was slowly becoming trustworthy, now that her infatuation with Major Zod was over. She seemed to be truly seeking repentance, and Clark believed in second and third chances. Under her new lease on life, Tess was refocusing Luther Co.’s resources on doing good for everybody, instead of just shareholders. She still held secrets and played things close to the vest, but her computer skills had been necessary when Lois was possessed by Isis. Which brought Clark back to thinking about that woman!

He still loved Lois, but she would start when he touched her. Whenever he did anything the least bit odd, even if it was human enough, she gave him suspicious looks. The other day he’d walked up to his desk like any normal person, but she’d been engrossed in her computer. She saw him and jerked to her feet, spilling coffee and office supplies everywhere. He’d wanted to ask Ollie what he thought, if Lois had done anything like that when she suspected he was the Green Arrow. But Ollie chose this time to play guinea pig for the new law! Another sigh, and Clark looked up, ready to work on finding out what the Vigilante Registration Act would involve.

_If you’re going to sigh that heavily, let me know so I can turn down the volume on my equipment. It’s irritating._

Clark narrowed his eyes and gave the screen the heaviest sigh he could manage without coating things in ice.

_Charming._

“I’ve got enough on my mind without trying to make life easy on you, Captain Snark.”

_Ollie and the VRA?_

“Yes.”

_I told you he was an imbecile._

“He’s not stupid, it’s his way of seeing what happens to somebody who registers.”

_He’s going to jail, or some form of holding facility, probably never to see the light of day again. The over-privileged, underdeveloped, asinine dolt!_

“No, the government just wants to know what we’re capable of, and who to hold accountable if anything goes wrong.”

_Back to believing in the tooth fairy, are we?_

“I have to believe in the system, or what am I fighting for?”

_Fight for a better system._

“Shut up. I really should go register as well. I’m sure it’s just like a driver’s license.”

_Are you feeble-minded? How can you get a permit to do a damn illegal thing?_

“The VRA is making it legal!”

_Head, meet desk._

“What now?”

_It’s in the title of the bill! Vigilante, not ‘good guys in white hats’ or ‘heroes out to save us all’ registration act. Vigilantes work outside the law, where the law does not work._

“The language doesn’t matter, fact is we’ll all have to register or be considered criminals.”

_The language tells all. It is a paradox to work outside the law with the law’s permission. The law, being the law, will use the information you provide them to hunt you down and stop you. If you want to work within the law, being a vigilante, or criminal with morals, is not for you._

“Maybe I’m not a vigilante, but a hero.”

_Oh. Well, that will prevent them from locking you up._

“How can I hear the sarcasm when I’m reading your words from a screen?”

_The language tells all, you simpleton._

“You’re going to run out of synonyms for stupid after a while.”

_Not if you use that squishy thing between your ears! Until then, I’ll just changes languages in which to insult you, plumbeus._

“What? Is that latin?”

_Si, estupido._

“How many languages do you speak?”

_Not as many as I insult in._

Clark almost laughed, before realizing it. Was he suddenly so lonely he enjoyed being insulted by blips on a screen? He had too much to do to waste time on this!

“This is getting me nowhere, snark man.”

_It’s Captain Snark to you, blur boy._

“Do you realize, Captain Snark, that you’ve gone from short insults to full conversations with us?”

_I’m trying not to go into full professor mode and lecture the lot of you on how to be effective vigilantes._

“I’d invite you to be a member of our team, but you’d never get any work done for all your typing.”

_Shows what you know. It’s a talk to text conversion program. Listening in on the Watchtower is like having a white noise machine on while I work._

Clark blinked at that, suddenly understanding why the words were spelled out instead of emoticons or internet slang. Though, if Captain Snark was saying the words showing up on his screen, then couldn’t a person with super hearing orient on those words? Had he ever mentioned his super hearing while in the Watchtower? Either way, Clark needed to keep Captain Snark talking.

“In that case, you can be a part time member. Where do I send the club tie and secret handshake instructions?”  
_Don’t be silly. If you had such things I’d already have copies of them._

“But we are silly, your favorite comedy troupe, listening to us bumble around like the Keystone Cops amuses you.” Clark directed his hearing around him in a circle, looping around him as he listened for someone to say a word matching his screen. The circle got larger with each turn, and Clark started feeling dizzy.

_Keystone Cops occasionally got the criminal._

Keystone Cops was a strange enough conversation topic that Clark wouldn’t get many false positives, but he didn’t have much more to say about them. “What are you working on?”

_Stuff._

“Oh, thank you for that enlightening response.” What was he supposed to do now, play twenty questions with Captain Snark? “Animal, mineral or vegetable?”

_Twenty questions? If you’re that bored find another city to stop crime in. I hear L.A. is nice this time of year. You can play license plate bingo as you run along._

“You go on a lot of road trips as a kid?” Clark waited, but the screen stayed silent. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like someone was glaring at him. Still, he was listening outside of Metropolis and needed Captain Snark to keep talking. “Come on Captain Snark, tell me about your childhood. Surely that’s a safe enough conversation to protect your identity.”

_Mineral._

“What’s a mineral?” Now Clark got a mental image of vacant eyed Brucie, so he tried for that level of annoyance as he spoke. “Your childhood? Were your parents geologists?”

_”It is much easier for good to deal with evil than it is for good to deal with stupidity.”_

“I thought you were a vigilante, so why are you calling yourself a good guy now?”

The curser disappeared, the screen going dark. Dizzy with more than circling his hearing around him, Clark grinned at the dead screen. He’d irritated Captain Snark! Maybe not as good a feeling as defeating evil, but close. Now he knew Captain Snark didn’t live in the city, and he didn’t want to talk about his childhood. Maybe something newsworthy had happened then, but Clark had no way of narrowing down the time frame of Snark’s childhood. He’d work on it in his free time, Clark promised himself, even as he knew he’d not have much free time for a while.

sBSbBs

After the hell of his Thanksgiving with Lois and her family Clark looked forward to something to beat on. Lois had submitted to her Dad’s will, deciding his opinion was worth more than Clark in her life. She talked of seeing him in private, even as she said that clean breaks healed the quickest. She muttered vague things about destinies greater than love, but Clark had turned his ears away before he heard the breaking of his heart. The Watchtower would provide him with a criminal in need of a punch or two. He felt he was correct in this idea when he walked in on a yelling Tess.

“I’m getting you off this system if I have to build a new operating system out of spit and barbed wire!”

The silence of her opponent’s reply told Clark it was Captain Snark, so Clark picked up his search circle where he’d left off.

_It’s spit and bailing wire. Ask farm boy since he’s there._

“Clark! I’m going to kill this hacker when I find him.”

_I never thought I’d die of old age, but if I’ve got to wait on you lot…_

“I’m done talking to you, Captain Snark.” Tess bent to her work, seemingly intent on ignoring the hacker. Captain Snark might toss out unwarranted insults, but he never started a conversation.

Needing the hacker to talk, Clark sent Tess a text. **Keep him talking, I’m searching for him.** Even as Tess read the message, Clark’s phone chimed with an incoming message. The number was listed as blocked, but he opened it anyway. **So where am I?** Throwing up a hand in frustration, Clark showed Tess the text.

“Fantastic! The jerk’s got our cells bugged too. That’s it.” Tess slapped her palm on the table and stood, stalking over to her purse. Digging around for a long minute, ignoring Clark’s confused stare, Tess finally pulled out a small pad of paper and a pen. “Time to go old school. Leave your cell phone here, and we’ll go have a conversation in a surveillance cameras blind spot.”

Clark laughed and slowly placed his cell phone in front of a monitor. It didn’t take them long to get where Tess had in mind, as it was only two alleys over. Just to be sure, Clark x-rayed the alley for any electronic devices. When he gave Tess the nod, she started writing on her paper.

_We need the wizkid W.E. is hiding. Brucie knows I’m after him, as does Fox. Ollie is too public, which leaves you, Clark, to get the info. from Brucie._

“You’re not serious?” Clark couldn’t help his verbal reply, months of Captain Snark had trained him to do so. Tess was here in person, and the look she gave him indicated just how serious she was. “How?”

Tess tapped the pen on the paper as she thought. _I’ll invite Brucie to a meeting to discuss it. You’ll be my appointment after the meeting, as a reporter. I’ll cancel on you, you take Brucie out for an interview or lunch or whatever it takes to get that idiot to spend time with you. Use your small town charm to get the name out of him. Do what it takes, b/c I’ve got to get rid of Cpt. Snark._

“What he say to you?”

_If he said it in person six months ago, he’d be dead now._

“O.K. then. Mail me the date and time?”

“He probably has all our snail mail scanned and emailed to him by a corrupt postal worker.”

Clark considered her words for a minute and nodded. What would be the point of bugging two lines of communication only to leave the third alone?

“Burn the papers, I’ve got work to do.”

A quick look around and Clark set fire to the scraps. He’d read up on Gotham, maybe that would give him a clue as to what to talk to Wayne about until he was ready to give up the name. He really, really hoped Brucie had forgotten about the genius in his basement.

sBSbBs

The first Friday of December was as blistery and cold as the typical first day in February for Metropolis. All things being equal, Clark would rather be out in the gale force wind, naked, wet and holding two kinds of meteor rock then doing what he was about to. All JL members going into the Watchtower were on strict, paper written instructions to not talk to Captain Snark. Tess hoped this would convince him to go away, or at least not comment so much on how stupid they all were. Captain Snark actually seemed to be enjoying their silence, as he’d assigned them their own theme music.

Clark had to swallow his laughter when his irritated friends entered the Watchtower. The Jackson siblings duet _Scream_ was rather appropriate for Canary, he thought. Ollie’s rare appearances, since he was on the run from the government, were heralded by Clarence Carter’s _You Talk too Much._ Aquaman was infuriated by _Fathoms Below_ from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Tess made an effort to only enter the Watchtower when nobody else was around, so nobody asked why she got the second verse of _Bus Stop_ by David Bowie. Clark thought it had something to do with false gods and Major Zod, but Tess wouldn’t talk about it.

Clark had a different view of the whole thing. Instead of ranting, he’d pop in more often than was strictly necessary, just to hear his song. If he wasn’t careful, he’d find himself whistling _Always Look on the Bright Side of Life_ from Monty Python’s Spamalot, as he went about his day. Captain Snark meant it as an insult on his positive outlook on life, but Clark found it a happy tune.

Playing it through his head now, Clark was almost grinning when Brucie emerged from Tess’s office. He was messing with his phone, oblivious to the rest of the world. Brucie had no clue Tess was imagining doing the things she’d be saving for Captain Snark to him, though Clark could see it on her face. Clark was afraid to go near Brucie, just in case that idiocy was contagious. Tess caught sight of Clark and went into her lines.

“Kent, I’m cancelling the interview!”

The slamming door got Brucie to look up from his phone, if only to give Clark a vacant grin.

“That may be my fault, but I’m not sure what I did to upset her.” A shrug, and Brucie was about to dive back into sexting on his phone.

Clark had to bite the bullet, though he’d rather get shot at with them.  
“Mr. Wayne, since she canceled on me, would you give me an interview?”

“P.R. people told me not to, unless they prepped me first.” Another shrug and Brucie walked by, so Clark hurried to walk beside him.

“I promise to make you look good, I just need something to turn in Monday morning!”

“Sorry, man. Got a hot date or two in Gotham tonight!” The elevator dinged, and Brucie slid in while giving Clark a suggestive look. Hating it, Clark jumped in beside Brucie.

“Mr. Wayne, it’s important. If you’d let me, I’ll ride to Gotham with you and catch a train back.”

“Not to get personal, but I have security standing by.”

“No! I’m not a threat, not a stalker, not even a stranger really. We’ve met before!”

“Where, not a stalker?”

“The tech expo, I was hiding from Tess?” Clark tried not to notice how close to the ground floor they were getting, as Brucie slowly thought back to that day. Two floors to go, and Brucie found the memory he was looking for.

“Oh yeah!” Brucie looked up, and his expression was enough to make Clark flush. “You looked good on your knees.”

“Mr. Wayne, I explained about that…”

“And you turn such funny colors!” Brucie’s voice dropped considerably, and a flame of heat and color changed Clark’s complexion yet again.

The elevator door opened, and three businessmen in suits, stared in shock at what was before them, confirming Clark’s guesses about the beet red color he must be. Brucie winked at them as the elevator doors closed and dropped them into the underground parking garage.

“No need to ask for an interview. If you wanted to meet the genius in my basement, all you have to do is give me your name!” Brucie strolled off and a startled Clark almost let the elevator door close on him before he could move out of it. He stumbled after Brucie, still a deep red when they got to the waiting limo. The driver opened the door, but raised an eyebrow at Clark.

“Mr. Wayne, Luther Co has only authorized one passenger to the airport.” Brucie laughed at the driver’s comments but paused to give him a wink.

“He’s not a passenger, he’s my in-flight entertainment.”

Brucie slid into the car and Clark tired to explain he was a reporter trying to get an interview. It might have come out outside the range of human hearing and even then sounded like ‘noreallyinterview I’mareporteryouknown andnotentertianment atleastnothekind he hasinmind!’ The knowing, half-hidden smirk on the young driver’s face stopped the rant, but Clark still hesitated. Was Captain Snark so important that it was worth him putting up with Brucie? No, but getting the rest of the JL to relax a little was, so Clark forced himself into the limo. As Brucie’s right hand worked his phone, the left reached out to squeeze Clarks knee, and reactivate any of the blush that might have lessened at this point. Clark mentally reached for the questions he had worked out.

“Mr. Wayne, I’d like to ask you about W.E. recent advances in software.”

“Sorry, dear, my expertise is hardware.” The hand sliding up his thigh was clearly intended to demonstrate what kind of hardware Brucie was interested in, but Clark stopped the roaming hand.

“Please, it’s important. Couldn’t you just tell me who’s behind it!” Clark heard panic in his voice even before he realized the words coming out of his mouth were not the one’s he’d planned on.

“Well, I own it all, sort of,” Wayne was hesitant and confused, but grew stronger as he reached the end of his thought. “So I guess I’m behind it all!”

“True, sir, no doubt. But who actually wrote the code?”

“What code? We don’t have spies!”

“The computer code, to make the computer do things.”

“Poor soul, it’s not code!” Brucie pitying him was not a direction Clark expected this interview to take, so he could only await Brucie’s reasons. “That thing that pops up when you start your computer is called a password. That’s what my it guys told me.”

Deciding subterfuge depended on the other person being capable of grasping the story you told them, which left out Brucie, Clark fell back on the truth.

“Mr. Wayne, as I told you during the conference, I have friends who need help.”

“If your pet non-profit needs a donations, submit the request to W.E. charitable division. How much longer to the airport?”

“Ten minutes. We don’t need money, we need a computer genius to get rid of a dangerous hacker.”

“Just because I know what a password is doesn’t make me a genius. As Tess said, my genius lives in my basement.”

Clark sputtered at being back here again, but was encouraged by the seductive grin sliding off Brucie’s face. He was confused once again, but that was his default setting.

“Actually, at the conference thing, you didn’t introduce yourself. There were a lot of people there, and it was noisy, so maybe you did and I didn’t hear you. Though, come to think of it, Tess cornered me at one end of that hallway, you squatted at the other. Yet, when I offered to introduce you to the genius in my basement, you know I wasn’t referring to a computer geek. You must have awesome hearing!”

Forcing himself to not acknowledge that he had just been caught using his powers by a guy with the IQ of a crayon, Clark went back to begging. “Please, I can’t tell you how important it is that we get rid of this hacker! Our data puts people at risk, innocent people who just happen to know people trying to do good!”

“Well, I guess, if it’s important?”

“Beyond important, I promise!”

“I’ll think about it, maybe send someone to take a look. But you’d have to tell me where, mysterious stranger.”

“Right! I’m Clark Kent, of the **Daily Planet.** You can send him to me, but if I had his name I’d know what he was there for.”

“I forget, he changed it recently. You know those it types, different fake name for every computer thing they do! Look, the airport! You were right on it for not looking around after I asked, excellent hearing, I guess.”

Clark forced himself to look out the darkened windows this time, noticing the exit they were taking, not noticing Brucie’s words.

“I’ll give you my private phone number when we’re on the plane, so I can contact you with his stuff when I remember it.”

“Mr. Wayne, since I have what I need, I thought I’d save myself a train trip?”

“This is the airport, whatever you said your name was. That means planes, not trains.”

“Yes, well, I’d have to take the train back after we got to Gotham.”

“Oh, you got what you wanted and don’t want to be my in-flight entertainment anymore.”

Now Clark received a disappointed Brucie pout, confirming his desire to never speak to this man again.

“All I wanted was to talk to you, I didn’t want to, um, do whatever you had in mind. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression, but it was vital I talk to you.”

“I guess it’s better that I nap on the flight anyway, save up my energy for that date tonight. But I still get a thank you kiss from you, right?”

It would keep Brucie happy, and Clark could think about the joy of the JL when they learned Captain Snark was leaving. The limo was pulling up to the unloading lane for private aircraft, so Clark hoped it would be a brief kiss.

“If you insist.” Clark tried not to wince as he closed his eyes and directed his mind to more important things.

A heavy male body sitting in his lap, startled him from thoughts of the JL. Gentle hands stroked his face and hair, until Clark had to open his eyes. Brucie grinned at the sight of him paying attention and pressed their lips together. There was none of the hesitance Clark was used to, from girls who knew his secrets and feared for their safety or high school girls who feared only for their reputations. Instead, Brucie was dominating, taking anything Clark would give him.

Clark had no idea what force made his mouth open a little, but Brucie delved into that space as well. Brucie clearly thought one kiss from him was all it took to get somebody in his bed, and right this second Clark almost believed him. Clark didn’t even care that the limo door was open and anybody walking by could see them. The driver, though, was young, and not involved in a mind blowing kiss.

“Sir, your aircraft is scheduled to depart in forty five minutes, and you have to get through security still.”

Brucie sighed into Clark’s mouth and pulled away with Clark’s upper lip in his teeth.

“Hot dates wait for no man.” With a shrug, Brucie found his feet and got out of the car, but turned and ducked back in. “That computer guy, I almost remember his handle or whatever it’s called. Something military, like Colonel Snipe.”

“What? It’s not Captain Snark is it?”

“That’s the guy! I keep meaning to ask him what a snark is, but I kind of figure he just mistyped shark or something.” Another shrug and Brucie walked away, hands in his pockets.

The airport doors shut behind him, and Clark got out of the limo. He really needed a run before he told the others about his mission. Or at least, highlighted portions of it. Maybe he’d work on that running across the water thing Impulse had shown him. Then he could circumnavigate the globe before being forced to tell everyone that their tormenter was the only one who could save them from himself!

sBSbBs

The running helped, until Clark had to enter the Watchtower. His theme music let everybody know he had arrived, so every eye turned to stare at him. He was torn between amusement and worry that the entire JL had turned up, hoping to hear that he had a solution to Captain Snark. With a hope of getting the worst of it over with, Clark walked over so he could see the monitors.

“Brucie Wayne has just informed me that his computer genius recently started going by the name Captain Snark.”

The JL forgot their plan to get rid of Captain Snark by not talking in front of him, as they each decided to tell him exactly what they thought of this at the top of their collective lungs. Light electric guitars filtered out of the computers, gradually building up in volume. Everybody had become aware of the music about the time a male voice reached the chorus, matching words dancing across the monitors. The lights started flickering in time with the music and helped make the crowd pay attention to what was happening.

 _I’m stupidly happy_  
Everything’s fine  
I’m stupidly happy  
With idiot grin  
I’m stupidly happy  
It’s surely a sin

The entire JL decided to yell their insults at Captain Snark over the pulsing music, and out of time explosions told Clark somebody would be buying a new monitor or three. When Canary’s voice started switching randomly between human and her Canary Cry, Clark went for a run. Captain Snark was right, there was probably crime in another city he could help with for a while.

sBSbBs

Clark returned from a gang war in L.A., showered and slipped into bed just as his phone rang. It had been silent for long while, as the JL tried to ignore Captain Snark, so it took longer than it should have to recognize the sound. It was a text from Tess, so she didn’t care if it was intercepted. **We know he’s in Gotham now. Track him down so we know as much about him as he knows about us.**

It was the most reasonable thing to do, considering the situation, so Clark replied. **Unless he saves us the trouble, I’ll go to Gotham in a few hours.**

The next text was from a blocked number, so Clark knew it was Captain Snark. **Prove to me that I was right in not turning you in. Find me!**

Clark scoffed at his phone. **Not playing hide and seek. Show yourself.**

**Not a game. Training exercise, proof of potential.**

“Potential! I’m jumping in front of bullets while you get snarky from your parent’s basement!”

**I’m not the one shouting at a text message. Sleep well, you witless sluggard.**

Angered at the words, Clark didn’t sleep well at all. He really hated being considered stupid, it wasn’t like he was Brucie! Though, to be fair, Brucie had some skills that made up for it, if his kissing was indication. That thought was a distraction from Captain Snark, but not conducive to a good night’s sleep either. All in all, Clark would have rather dwelt on Captain Snark than one intense kiss that had rendered him as powerless as a ton of meteor rock.

sBSbBs


	2. Stupidly Happy

A letter had been shoved under his door, tiny handwriting to keep Captain Snark from reading it. Tess told him she had a plan to find Captain Snark, but it required him to be distracted. Apparently her idea of a distraction was Clark wondering a city, looking for him. Said she figured out that Captain Snark was most active during the evening and shortly before dawn. Probably smoked pot all night long and slept all day, Tess added, needing to get her own insults worked in.

Knowing he was being looked for would keep Captain Snark at his computer, and let Tess find him now that she knew where to start. No specifics mentioned, just in case Captain Snark could see it. Accepting his role in this, Clark slipped into his comfortable jeans and flannel. His red jacket felt good, more appropriate than the black he’d be using as the blur. Taking the stairs up to the roof of his apartment building, some controlled leaps got him to Gotham. Not as elegant as that flying thing Kara could do, but it was quicker than the train.

He’d read up on Gotham while trying to find out something he could talk to Brucie about, but nothing prepared him for being here. Clark walked around the city, trying to get his bearings and get over the feeling he was at a Halloween party. The whole city was on an island, attached to the mainland by bridges over the river. But just because it had limited space, was apparently not a reason to logically plan out the city.

Low-rent buildings were so close together that neighbors could reach out of their windows and slap each other, while the rich buildings were decorated in early vampire. First St. N. didn’t actually connect with First St. S. Nailing Ave. was between 12th and 14th. 13th existed, looping back on itself, so it wasn’t avoided for superstitious reasons.

The gloomy weather didn’t help, as winds as cold as the ones he’d felt in the Arctic gusted from around buildings. Clark knew he couldn’t get food poisoning, but he couldn’t eat in some of the places in the poorer neighborhoods. Downtown was closed for the weekend, apparently, so Clark had to find his way to the posh suburbs before daring to eat at a fast food chain. Finishing the last of his watered down soda, Clark texted Tess.

**In gloomy Gotham, starting to look.**

**Good luck, let you know of any activity on this end.**

With a sigh, Clark set off into the strangest city he’d ever seen. Clark figured it was a wild goose chase, but had to do his part. What was that bird the hunters in his high school had always tried to get him to hunt with them? Snipe! They wanted him to go snipe hunting, but he’d never trusted them enough to go near them when they had guns. Later he’d learned it was a practical joke, and he’d probably been left naked in another field if he’d gone.

Kind of funny to, that Brucie had called his computer guy Colonel Snipe. With anybody else, it would have been a clue that he was sending them on a wild goose chase, but Brucie wouldn’t know a shark from a snipe until one bit his head off. Though some people said kissing sharks would keep them from eating you, and a Brucie kiss just might be up to that task.

Shaking his head, Clark pulled out his phone, to see if Tess had sent him a message he’d missed while musing and slammed into something solid. Before he could figure out he’d run into a person, Clark noticed who he’d run into, somebody who wanted him naked, but not in a field.

“Kenny!”

“It’s Kent, Mr. Wayne.”

“Kent? Cruel parents to saddle you with that first name.”

“No, that’s Clark.”

“Can I call you KC?”

“Mr. Wayne, it’s Clark Kent.”

“KK, then?”

Clark reached up to massage his forehead at Brucie’s words, only remembering the cell phone in his hand when it smacked onto his skin. Brucie placed a concerned hand on his shoulder.

“We should go inside; I think you’re getting cold. That jacket’s almost as red as your face.”

“I’m fine, I’m looking for somebody, for work. So I can’t go inside with you.” Clark couldn’t remember ever regretting that his parents had raised him to be polite before, but Brucie was a first time for everything.

“Where are you looking?”

“In Gotham, that’s why I’m here.”

“Gotham’s a big place, and an expert guide might be of some help.”

“You’re an expert guide?” Polite or not, Clark couldn’t help the disbelief that made up his voice.

“Me? No! I get lost in my house. When I’m in town, a limo follows me wherever I go and the driver’s an expert.”

Clark didn’t need Brucie to point out the limo parked in the alley, the driver watching from behind dark glass, but Brucie pointed anyway. He was also casual about it, as if everybody had limos follow them whenever they took a walk.

“Where’re you going to start looking for this person?’

“Mr. Wayne, I’m looking for Captain Snark. Your computer guy?”

Brucie’s confusion turned into disappointment and he pouted a reply at Clark. “So you didn’t come looking for me? I’m easy, you know, to find.”

The pause was just long enough for Clark to know that Brucie was easy, as well as easy to find. In case he missed that fact during the make out session in the limo yesterday.

“Sorry no, but I need to find him. I don’t suppose you know where he is?”

“Sure, but I don’t know why I should tell you.” Brucie turned and walked towards the limo.

Clark needed the info, but promised himself he wouldn’t have to get into the limo. That was the only force that could make him jog after Brucie. A hand on his upper arm stopped Brucie’s walking, but he crossed his arms and refused to look at Clark.

“Mr. Wayne, it’s so important…”

“So you said before. And just like before, you’ll get what you want and run out on me. I’m not falling for that again!”

“What, um, do you want from me, uh, Brucie?” Clark was glad he kept the pain of saying that ridiculous name off his face, as Brucie turned to look at him.

“That’s an excellent start, CC.”

Panic and fear froze Clark in place at the suggestive purr of Brucie’s words, and Brucie slipped out of his hand. Groaning to himself, Clark walked over to the limo as Brucie disappeared inside. The driver was holding the door open with a bored expression, but Clark had to explain.

“It’s really important that I get some information from Mr. Wayne.”

The driver didn’t care or believe Clark. Come to that, Clark realized he didn’t believe it entirely either. If he hadn’t been dwelling on that kiss since it happened, would he be getting into this car now? Clark got in, knowing how the condemned felt when they stuck their own necks in the guillotine. Brucie just smiled at Clark as the driver closed the door and got in the front. He must know where Brucie was going, because he drove off without the need for instructions.

“How do you plan on getting the information out of me?” Brucie almost sounded curious, but an idea replaced that curiosity. He was smiling and hopeful as he started purring again. “Are you going to torture it out of me?”

Something was mixing with the panic in Clark’s gut, something powerful. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it suggested a new idea to him. Start out simple, is said, and work your way up to torturing that man the way he deserves. Clark also got the mental image of naked Brucie, candlelight showing decorative muscles, wrists and ankles bound, and a gag blocking the flow of stupidity.

Clark could now identify that feeling as desire, as it crushed the remnants of his panic. A second later and he was in Bruce’s lap, trying to kiss him the way he remembered Brucie kissing him. Pulling away to take in a lungful of air, Clark saw something strange. Brucie looked surprised, but as if he was considering implications or something equally unlikely.

“Brucie? Are you o.k.?” Clark’s words brought back the vacant look and caused reddened lips to grin.

“Great! You do move fast, don’t you?”

“You kissed me first, so I don’t see how that’s fast.”

“I meant you moving from there to here. And you’ve managed to straddle my lap without being heavy, like you’re floating or something.”

Clark looked down even as he considered his legs. He was floating off of Brucie’s lap, and he needed to keep Brucie from thinking too much about that. Should be easy enough, really. A quick spin and Brucie was in his lap as Clark sat on the limo seat. To complete the distraction, and for that reason only, Clark pulled Brucie to him for another kiss. Brucie hesitated, as if he knew he was being distracted. Clark slid a hand down to cup Brucie’s firm ass, effectively distracting himself. Clark liked that firmness and weight in his hand, if his growing erection was any indication!

He gasped and pulled away from the kiss, to see Brucie smirking at him. Did Brucie think he had bested Clark because he was harder to distract? A guy named Brucie was not beating Clark at anything! Clark wondered if there was red meteor rocks in the limo, as he was starting to feel that same kind of rush. Clark tossed Brucie’s back onto the seat and pulled his hands over his head. Now Clark smirked down at Brucie before moving in for another kiss, only to impact on the leather seat. His hands were still around Brucie’s wrists, so how had the slippery simpleton gotten out from under him to kneel in the floor?

“You look good on your knees too, Brucie.”

“CC, I look good from every angle.”

Clark pulled Brucie to him just as the limo stopped. The change in momentum was enough to upset Clark’s balance, and he slid out of the seat. Now Brucie was in the seat, hands on his knees as he studied Clark. Brucie licked his lips, preparing to say something really naughty, Clark hoped anyway, when Brucie’s phone went off. Vibrate mode, as Brucie probably couldn’t figure out how ringtones worked, but he pulled it out of a pocket to look at. A soft sigh, and he answered it.

“Alfred, how’s things?”

Clark realized he was curled on the floor and as hard as he’d ever been. One of those things he could do something about, the other caused him to blush as he got into the seat. Kissing and playing king of the hill in a limo shouldn’t have gotten him this hot and bothered! Why was he doing either of those things, anyway?

“Thanks, Alfred. I’ll get on that.” Brucie pocket his phone, and turned sad, puppy dog eyes on Clark. “Sorry, babe. Got to go do something, make Alfred happy, make lots of money for lots of people, you know how it is. Rain check on that torture session?”

“Um.”

Clearly impressed by Clark’s quick witted response, a grinning Brucie leaned in for another kiss. This one included a hand on Clark’s erection, rubbing in a way that made Clark moan. Bruce abruptly pulled away, gave him a peck on the nose and got out of the limo before Clark could get over his frustration. The door closed and shortly after an unknown voice sounded over the limo’s speaker.

“Sir, Mr. Wayne has asked that I drive you wherever you would like to go.” Clark thought about getting out of the limo, but rejected it in light of his condition. A quick look showed him the button labeled ‘driver’ and he pushed it.

“How about a scenic drive of Gotham, until I get a better idea?”

“Yes, Sir.”

The car pulled away, with Clark wondering if he should do something about his erection or hope it went away on its own. It faded rather quickly after Clark realized he’d not gotten anything out of Brucie on Captain Snark. When he could think again, Clark had the limo drop him at a reasonably priced hotel. He entered the lobby and exited the side door before running to Metropolis.

At his apartment, Clark took a cold shower and changed into his blur outfit. A quick, lonely supper and he bounded back to Gotham as the sun was setting. Settling on top of a relatively modern looking building, Clark listened around him for snarky comments. A bit of evening news caught his attention because it was as strange as the city it happened in.

A group of Gotham University students were protesting the closing of the art departments, when they were attacked. The leather clad biker types were reported to be acting strangely, as if under the influence of something but they still managed to take students hostage. Police didn’t want to hurt either group and were at a loss as to what to do. Two in the afternoon, on a cold December day, and massive fog had descended on the quad. When it had dispersed twenty minutes later, the confused bikers were trying to figure out how they got there and quickly surrendered.

Nobody official had anything to say when questioned, except the investigation was ongoing. The newscasters didn’t say it either, but by not saying anything, they all agreed it had been the work of the Batman. Just to amuse himself, Clark tried to imagine all the various artist renderings he’d seen, lined up to register for the VRA. It was absurd, and he had to laugh.

“The loud laugh that spoke the vacant mind.”

Startled, Clark had danced to these words as he looked around for the source. He had to pull up a mental image to find out which of the gargoyles hadn’t been on this roof an hour ago. Then, he switch to x-ray to confirm he was talking to a living thing. A living gargoyle, crouched on the edge of the roof, behind a lead lined mask. Concern over how Batman had knew about the lead pushed the words form Clark’s mind.

Clark stared a while, trying to also figure out the collection of things surrounding Batman. Wires in strange fabrics and bat shaped things around his belt, metal bits in boot heels and was that a bomb in a pouch? Deciding he couldn’t begin to interpret the gear he was seeing, Clark tried to find something to say. As long as he had been staring, he was rather surprised Batman hadn’t spoken yet.

“Batman, I presume?” Clark grimaced as he said it, but it was the only thing that occurred to him.

Batman, it seemed, decided not to dignify it with an answer, as he stayed still and silent.

“Right. I’m the blur, from Metropolis.”

After a few minutes of pained silence, Clark focused his vision past the armor. There was a human heart under it, and it was beating. Batman had spoke before, so he was alive and capable, so what did it take to get him to do so?

“I’m in town on business, hero stuff. Do you know any computer hackers?” That got him a head tilt, a tiny movement invisible to human eyesight. Clark thought about it and realized something. “You must know all sorts of hackers, because nobody’s ever gotten a picture of you! I walked around Gotham, saw all the cctv one would expect in a city with this high of a crime rate. You either have a virus that deletes footage or a device on you that blocks you from being seen!”

“Still working on the device.” Not much of an answer, especially growled out in that voice from the depths of hell, but Clark felt like he’d passed a crucial test.

“Great idea, I’m just lucky that I can move too fast for most cameras to see me.” Batman snorted and Clark wondered what had amused him. “No, really, anytime I get on camera all people see is a blur, hence the name. Except I just said I don’t show up on camera. So, I guess, I show up on camera footage, but even then I move too fast for people to see me. Someday, technology might allow people to see me!”

A slight, minuscule downward movement of Batman’s chin might have been a nod of approval. Or disappointment that it took Clark this long to see the obvious, Clark couldn’t tell.

“I guess I’ll need one of those devices when you get them working.” The silent staring was really starting to get on Clark’s nerves; he’d had better conversations with a hologram! “I’ve never learned how to make things like that, where did you learn?”

Clark was determined to wait out this silence, make Batman answer him before he started babbling just to keep from going crazy. He underestimated his foe and two minutes later was talking again.

“Self taught, right? Saw a lot of stuff on you, so I’m guessing you’re human enough to need help with the stuff you do. Not to sound like I believe in stereotypes, but I though a person smart enough to do all that would be working for NASA or something, a geek in glasses. I can learn things but sometimes have trouble applying them. I know all the physics equations, but don’t know how to apply them to anything, no need I guess.”

“Maybe that’s why you can’t fly.”

“What?” Clark was surprised by the words as well as the fact they were spoken. He was speaking before he could finish asking himself how Batman knew about the failed flying lessons. “But Kara, my cousin, she said it was an art, I had to feel it!”

"Know yourself, master yourself, conquest of self is most gratifying."

“Know myself, what’s that got to do with learning to fly?” Clark heard an exhalation of air, a noiseless sigh as he tried Batman’s patience perhaps? How would knowing himself alter Kara’s methods? “Unless you think I might have different experiences than Kara, so what might be an art to her is a science to me? That’s it! Except it’s not, I forgot about it, but I was floating today, when I wasn’t thinking about, well anything really. So it’s not an art or a science, but a natural thing, like breathing! You’re brilliant!”

That got an audible snort of amusement out of Batman, but he suddenly stood and turned. His thoughts were on his city now, so Clark listened for what had Batman’s attention. Clark heard sirens, screaming, gunshots and flames. His attention snapped back to the roof when a finger was pointed in his face.

“Put out the fire, then leave town, forever.”

Muscles started moving and Clark grabbed an arm. “Wait, we should work together!”

“Gunshots are on the other side of town.”

Clark only realized he’d meant on a more permanent basis after Batman growled this dismissal at him. “I’ll find you afterwards.”

“You can’t fly. Going to bound after me like a flea too dumb to find a dog?”

Shock and dizziness followed Batman’s snarky words, letting him slip out of Clark’s numb grasp. The only way he’d known to put the lead in his mask was from the Watchtower’s computers, so Clark should have known it the instant he saw the lead! A jump, and Batman was gone. Moving without thought, Clark jumped too, heading for the fire. He lost track of the number of people he pulled out before the fire department arrived. Helping to extinguish the now empty building helped Clark get his thoughts back into working order.

Running back to his apartment, Clark fought a war with himself. He’d been the one demanding openness and honesty in the JL so they could trust each other. Now, he wanted to keep his discovery to himself. They liked the idea that Captain Snark was a wimpy nerd they could beat in combat. Destroying that illusion wouldn’t make them feel any better, so what would be the point in telling them?

Getting under the hot water of his shower, Clark washed the soot off and considered Batman. He hadn’t even properly seen the man, but he’d seen enough to know he was a fighter. Under that mask he could be hideously deformed, the accident from his childhood that drove him to protect people. Not the same, but very similar to Clark’s own need to use his gifts to help make things better.

Under that mask, deformed or not, Clark knew Batman was beautiful, and he grew to realize the hot water had been a mistake. Cold water might have helped prevent the images Clark was now getting; Batman on his knees. But he wouldn’t go easy, much like in the limo today, things with Batman would fight for dominance. Biting, scratching on impenetrable skin, until he had Clark on his hands and knees. How did a man enter another man that way, Clark wondered just before the idea alone sent him over the edge.

As he stood in the shower and relearned to breathe, Clark looked for a distraction. Anything to prevent thinking about having the hots for a man he’d meet once. Captain Snark he’d actually talked with, but he’d never had this reaction to him! Nor had he had this reaction to Batman until he realized the intelligence and wit of Captain Snark was under that lead lined mask. The realization had given Captain Snark an adult body, not an underage kid in his parent’s basement. Meeting the person had turned an internet acquaintance into something real.

Turning off the now cold water and stepping out of the shower to dry off, yet another new thought struck Clark. A few months ago, he’d been looking at wedding rings for Lois. Clark was more upset at how easily he had fallen after breaking up with Lois than the fact he’d fallen for a man. One kiss from Brucie, and he’d switched teams without a thought! Catching his shocked look in the mirror, Clark made himself a promise.

“Next time Brucie tries to kiss me, I’m ripping his lips off.”

sBSbBs

Clark turned off his phone at about four a. m., no longer wanting to wake up and read demands from Tess. He slept the rest of the night with warm secrets in his heart, and put off the sharing of one of those secrets as long as he could. After a pancake breakfast, he sent a text to the entire JL.

**Have meet Captain Snark, he’s a good guy. Will explain at next meeting.**

The rest of the day Clark read and deleted almost a hundred texts asking for an explanation. He knew he’d have to tell them all about that, but his passion for Batman would probably stay his secret forever.

^--^

**What’s that supposed to be?**

**Me, glaring at you for telling others of my existence.**

**You don’t exist?**

**Urban Legend, duh.**

**Cops have searchlight on roof for an urban legend?**

**Criminals almost as stupid as JL.**

**Behave, or I’ll tell JL who you are under mask.**

**A threat as empty as your head.**

**R U sure?**

**Very**

**How?**

**You’ll understand when and if you know.**

**Not helpful!**

**But brilliant, as you said.**

**Should have said belligerent.**

**That too. Real life calls.**

**Later?**

Clark waited, but no goodbye came. For the rest of the day, no other messages from unknown numbers came either. As he plugged his phone in that night, Clark went over the words Batman had sent, then his replies. The unanswered question about talking later bothered him, the begging tone Clark heard was highly unattractive. The only way to seduce Batman was over time, with words and actions in the Watchtower.

sBSbBs

“We need tables and chairs for these meetings.” Clark was looking for something to get the eyes of the JL off him and seized on the first thing he could think of.

“Yeah, and snacks!” Impulse had a metabolism as fast as his feet, but his obsession with food irritated some people, and got a few eyes off Clark. It helped, so Clark said what he had to.

“Captain Snark is Gotham City’s most infamous citizen.”

“Bruce Wayne?” Impulse piped up, his mouth being even faster than his feet, and light years faster than his brain. Clark resisted the urge to laugh, realizing how much he was starting like Batman’s way of thinking.

“Not exactly. I guess I meant the most infamous citizen of Gotham in our line of work; Batman.” Some had believed he was only an urban legend, if their expressions were to be believed, so Clark felt as bad as if he’d just ousted Batman’s secret identity! Others were coming to their own conclusions with dazed, gaping expressions, but Tess found words even before Impulse.

“What does he have against us?”

_I have a list._

The words showed on every monitor in the place until people had long enough to read them and begin protesting. Then each screen changed, so every member of the JL had a monitor scrolling through their shortcomings. Statistics about strengths, weaknesses, failure rates and even a number assigned to their ‘normal societal functioning.’

“Batman, this isn’t helping them trust you!” Clark didn’t need his teammates fighting whatever he hoped Batman would become. The emoticon of the bat-glare was superimposed on each monitor and gradually darkened. The JL might not have known exactly what it was supposed to be, but they knew it wasn’t a compliment.

_I will advise you, and keep your secrets. But do not expect me to be kind._

Each screen went back to showing what it had before his words, and the JL went back to demanding answers from Clark. All he could offer was vague comments about, nice guy, good intentions, bad attitude. He’d rather have another knockdown, drag out fight with Doomsday then this disagreement! Eventually, though, Clark found he was alone in the Watchtower.

“Batman, that little display didn’t help.” Clark wasn’t even sure if Batman was still paying attention, but the reply came quickly.

_Better pissed at me than dead for something preventable._

“Ever heard you catch more flies with honey than vinegar?”

_Perhaps you mean, this quote attributed to Benjamin Franklin. "A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar."_

“Probably. I always heard the cliché version, didn’t really know someone said it.”

_I much prefer Albert Einstein’s view. "I never teach my pupils; I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn."_

“What can they learn by hating you?”

_If their hate drives them to find me, what will they not have learned?_

“Go study your Confucius, I’ve got to get some sleep before work.”

_"Recompense injury with justice, and recompense kindness with kindness."_

“And that’s my own fault for suggesting you don’t know Confucius, right?”

_Right._

“Goodnight, Batman.”

^--^

Clark grinned at the symbol, taking it as a sign that Batman was getting used to him. He really was tired, so Clark went home. He dreamed of a warm, male, body in his arms, of which he didn’t need to see the face.

sBSbBs

Soon, he was spending every free moment in the Watchtower, attempting to engage Batman in conversation. He would answer case related questions, but nothing personal about himself. Not even banal things like favorite color or what movies he’d liked. To fill the silence, Clark would find himself talking about random things, stuff he knew Batman couldn’t care about. Batman’s answers would be snarky more often than not, but he listened. Only occasionally would Batman offer solutions, as if they were so obvious he had to point them out or go crazy. The silence was frustrating, and the rare words strangely compelling.

Clark grew to resent being called away for things like work and hanging out with the still resentful JL. He skipped the **Daily Planet** Christmas party, but was required to cover the Queen Industries Christmas Eve party for the paper. Everybody thought Ollie, hunted escapee from VRA prison, would show at his company’s party! There had also been threats of violence from anti-vigilante factions, so Clark was also going in case the Blur was needed.

The evening gala occurred when Batman was most vocal, before the predator was released onto the streets of Gotham at full dark. Clark could text something Batman would have to comment on to another member of the JL, and get the number Batman was using for the night. Clark didn’t want to alert the JL to his obsession by doing this too frequently, so he hadn’t yet done it tonight. Still, once he got the disposable cell number for the evening, the JL wouldn’t necessarily know if he kept texting Batman.

A high pitched, whinny voice broke Clark out of his thoughts, even as rich people moved passed. Rewinding his brain a bit Clark tried to figure out the nature of the emergency. If his eidetic memory wasn’t playing tricks on him, the words in that girly voice didn’t warrant a stamped.

“Candie’s got Brucie under the mistletoe!” Someone had shouted.

Trailing the crowd, Clark hung out in the doorway to look. Brucie was indeed trapped under the mistletoe, with quite a few women attempting to out kiss everyone else. Brucie seemed into it, encouraging them between kisses, until his phone vibrated. With a move so fast he might have been a magician, Brucie pulled it out of his pocket and removed his lips from some woman’s and read the text. A moment of disappointment showed, as if it wasn’t the text he was hoping for. It passed quickly, and he turned vacant attention to the next contestant on ‘seduce the billionaire.’

Clark watched the kiss and realized he didn’t feel anything. No lust for Brucie or jealously at the girl allowed to kiss him in public. Brucie was a store manikin, made to look good in expensive clothes but not good for much else. He would always be grateful to Brucie for adding this bisexual option to his life, but Clark’s body followed the dictates of his heart. Clark turned, and went back to the main room and his thoughts of Batman.

sBSbBs

A bomb threat effectively cleared out the party, but a quick x-ray showed Clark it was a crank call. After the cops found it was fake, it took twenty minutes to find Brucie. When he heard the evacuate order, Brucie had taken a wrong turn and gotten himself locked in the room that housed the computer mainframe. Two people had attempted to rob it, but Brucie’s accident had prevented that.

Clark tried to get an interview, but Brucie fled back to Gotham as soon as the cops said he could. Another hour to get a statement from the cops and Clark almost flew home. He ran, but wasn’t sure if his feet touched the ground or not. He had more important things to worry about right now, such as if Batman was still willing to talk.

“Hello, anybody listening?”

_Always._

Clark resisted the urge to do a triumphant fist pump when the words appeared. “Why are you listening on a holiday?”

_What, nobody in Metropolis gets mugged for their stack of presents?_

“So you’re reduced to rescuing singing fish or whatever the hot gift is this…” Clark’s words faltered as he realized something. “Oh no.”

_Emergency?_

“Yes, but not of the crime variety.” Clark leaned his head into his hands and tried not to groan. When he looked up, the words were there, waiting on him.

_You talk about everything else, so tell me._

“My Mom is flying in from D.C. tonight, in about an hour.”

_Not an emergency, you remembered in time to pick her up._

“Yes, but I forgot to get her a present.”

_YOU FORGOT YOUR MOTHER?_

“I’ve been busy, distracted lately!” Clark was surprised by the all caps, the text version of yelling. He felt as if he had genuinely pissed off Batman, instead of doing something Batman would snark at once it was corrected. “I’ll get her something later. She’ll understand.”

_Maybe. Doubt it. I don’t understand. No excuse!”_

“I’m sorry, but it’s almost 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve! I can’t do anything about it!”

 _I have an associate in Metropolis now. He will fix this and you will never do it again._  
“I can’t ask you to do that, but if you insist I will appreciate it. I also swear I’ll never forget again, no matter what else I’ve got going on.”

_I’ll hold you to that._

Clark started to reply, but every electronic device in the Watchtower went dark. All his time getting to know Batman, which was what made him forget to go shopping, had been wasted. One simple mistake and it had to be one which would royally piss off the one person he was trying to impress! Getting to his feet, Clark walked to the airport to await his Mom. New security measures in airports had him waiting in the luggage carousel to meet up with her.

They hugged and spoke small words of hello. It wasn’t until they got into a cab that Martha asked him anything personal, but still careful to avoid anything the cabbie didn’t need to overhear. Clark knew what was coming, so he turned off his cell phone. He suspected Batman had found a way to hear what the phone heard, and not just when Clark was using the phone.

“What’s happened between you and Lois since Thanksgiving?”

“We’re getting back to working as partners. That’s all we were meant to be.”

“I’m sorry, I thought what you had would last forever!”

“It will, it just changed, Mom. She’ll always be special and dare me to do more than I thought I could. But she’s not the love of my life.”

“You say that like you’ve already found somebody else.”

“I kind of have. I’m in love, but I don’t know if it’s returned.”

“Are you sure it’s not a rebound crush?”

“Pretty sure. I had one of those in a limo, don’t ask, but that was over when I met, um, this other person.” Clark saw Martha notice his hesitation, but she moved on. She’d get the details after they were in the safety of the apartment.

“Still, kind of quick. It’s only been Thanksgiving when so much went wrong with you and Lois.”

“Not really. It was difficult right after we got together and it only seemed to get worse. It was never the togetherness you and Dad had.”

“That took time, Clark. We had our fights, even after decades together.”

“The apartment’s just up the next street. You sure you didn’t need a coffee or snack or anything?”

“I’m fine. Metropolis is pretty at night.”

Clark asked about the weather in D.C. and they passed the time to the apartment in safe conversation. Outside Clark’s apartment was a tall man in a classically elegant coat. He tipped his cap with his right hand as they approached, the left hand holding a silver gift bag.

“Good evening.” The stranger spoke without an accent, giving Clark no clues if he was from Gotham or not. Sounded rather like something a trusted associate of Batman’s would do, hiding origins to confuse identification. Strange as it was, if Batman trusted the man, Clark did to. “Mr. Kent, I must apologize again for taking so long to complete your order. I trust that my hand delivery this evening will show you how much we appreciate your custom.”

“What? Yes, it’s fine. Tell you coworker that next time I’ll put in my order a lot sooner. I appreciate the delivery more than I can say.” Batman’s clever ploy for not letting Martha know her only son had forgotten to get her a gift made Clark smile. For a man who despised social graces, he sure knew how to pull them out when he needed to! Clark took the bag from the man, who doffed his cap and started to walk away.

“Clark, aren’t you going to tip him for a Christmas Eve delivery?” Martha was digging in her purse but the man stopped and turned back to them.

“Most kind Ma’am, but not necessary. Happy Christmas to you both.”

Clark blinked at that, knowing ‘happy’ was used by the British, instead of the ‘merry’ of the States. Was this man so good he’d managed to hide a British accent in flat American English, or did he just prefer happy to merry? Thinking that over, Clark let them into the apartment and carried his Mom’s stuff to the bedroom. He only had the one bedroom, so he’d take the couch. Walking back into the living room and kitchen area, he saw Martha sitting on the couch, examining the gift bag.

“You can open it now if you like.”

“I can wait, Clark, it’s just an expensive looking gift bag. You didn’t spend too much, did you?”

“Open it. Tell me if you think it was worth it, whatever it was.” Clark was rather curious himself, but had been taught not to x-ray gifts. That was cheating.

“If you insist.” Martha set the bag on her knee and worked her way through layers of tissue paper.

Underneath was a large jewel case, ones Clark had only ever seen in display cases of expensive necklaces. Martha shot him a look as she realized what it was, guessing this wasn’t something one got at the general store. Opening it showed a black pearl held onto a platinum chain by clusters of diamonds on either side.

“Clark!”

It was simple, elegant and expensive looking but the breathless quality of Martha’s voice said she liked it.

“Clark, it’s too much! I know you can’t afford this.”

“For you I can. Just enjoy it Mom.” When she jumped up to hug him, Clark smiled at his computer, hoping Batman was watching.

Someday, such as next Christmas, Batman would get his part of the hug in person, or so Clark hoped. Martha insisted Clark open the gifts she had for him, mainly nice work clothes he couldn’t be bothered to buy for himself. She knew he didn’t feel the cold like most people, but she had still knitted him a scarf.

“It keeps my hands busy while my brain works on the crap involved in politics. Can’t tell you how many times counting stitches has kept me from telling people how stupid I thought they were!”

Clark laughed even before he pictured Batman knitting during JL meetings. “Mom, that someone I was talking about in the cab could probably use a scarf.”

“Give her that one, and I’ll knit one in her favorite colors for next year.”

“He won’t tell me his favorite colors.”

Martha blinked twice at his words before offering a soft reply. “I think I heard that wrong.”

“No, you heard me. I’ve fallen for a guy.”

“You never even looked twice at a guy before. What makes you think it’s love and not curiosity or something?”

“My heart wants, my body follows. It’s more complicated than that, but I love him and sex is just part of the equation.”

“In the cab, you said you didn’t know how he felt. What if he doesn’t love you?”

“I don’t know how I’ll get over it. But I’d like your blessing to try.”

“Clark, I was there the first time you lifted a tractor with one hand. I think I can handle it if you’re bisexual or gay or whatever.”

“Apparently, I’m a girl, more interested in love and romance than sex.”

“Girls like sex too, my son. At least if you’re doing it right.”

“No offense meant to you and yours.” Batman thought he was an idiot, but Clark was smart enough to not fight with Martha.

“I know you didn’t mean it badly, and it’s not like you can ask Kara. Bad enough to have to explain it to your mom, what are you going to tell everybody else?”

“First, I’m going to have to explain it to him, see if he’s interested.”

“Then I get to meet him?”

“Hopefully.”

“I’m not waiting up for that introduction then. It’s almost four in the morning, and I need some sleep. Goodnight Clark.”

“Sleep well, Mom.” Clark waited until she was in the bedroom before moving over to his computer. While it booted up, Clark turned his phone back on, disappointed by the lack of messages. When the computer was working, he tapped the screen. “Hello Batman. Are you listening?”

_Am now._

“You didn’t look to see how Mom liked the gift?”

_Not my business._

“When did that ever stop you before?”

_Fine. I saw her open it and then went back to work._

“She loved it. Did you pick it out?”

_No._

“How did your associate get it this late?”

_He has his ways._

“You don’t need to know? You need to know everything!”

_He’s special._

“Special? In what way? How does one get to be special to you?”

_Don’t get excited, he’s just known me all my life._

“Like a friend of the family?”

_Or something._

“Where is he from?”

_If I wanted you to know that, I would have told him to introduce himself._

“Wait, are you saying he knows your civilian identity?”

_No part of me is in the military._

“Deflection of personal questions, so we’re right on schedule for these conversations. It’s technically Christmas now, so what crime is keeping you busy?”

_Not enough crime tonight, came back to collate data on Lex Co. activities._

“I told you, Tess is a good guy now!” Clark responded automatically, it was an argument they’d had before. Batman was paranoid and overly precise. So why had he just called Luther Co. Lex Co? Who else had made that mistake?

_Maybe, but Luthers believe in planning for contingences. There is a plan in all the stuff they did before they died; I just have to find it._

Clark knew part of the answer to that, what Lex had been up to in his labs. “Lex wanted protection from all powerful aliens taking over the planet.”

_He should have ki…_

“What did you say?”

_Nothing. Distracted by data._

Distracted by his work and data, Batman? He’d left conversations when emergencies happened or he needed to patrol, even when the Bat-signal had been activated. If something demanded his attention, he’d say so and leave the conversation. Batman was too good at multitasking to be distracted, though there was someone Clark knew who was essentially a distraction. Someone who got a phone call and disappeared, shortly before Batman had saved a quad full of protesters.

It was impossible, and Clark was clearly grasping at straws, except Brucie knew Captain Snark. Brucie who had the money to pay for Batman’s toys. Perhaps Clark was over thinking this, and Brucie was simply Batman’s patron. But Brucie, who saw his parents murdered before his eyes, would be understandably upset by someone who forgot to get his mother a gift. And Brucie could throw large chunks of cash at buying diamond, pearl and platinum solutions to forgotten gifts.

_You still awake?_

Clark saw the words, wondering how he’d managed to be quiet long enough to get Batman to break the silence. Batman, who was smart enough to send a farmboy on a snipe hunt, while admitting he was behind it all! The stupidity was too perfect to be just a disguise though, right?

“Yes, I’m still awake. I was wondering if you heard about the bomb threat at Ollie’s party.”

_Yes._

“Did you hear about Brucie stopping the data theft?”

_Brainless git._

“Git? Kind of a British insult.”

_Still applicable._

“Just puts me in mind of someone else I heard recently use a British expression with an American accent.”

_Internet shrunk the distance across the pond._

“Across the pond of the Atlantic Ocean, classic British understatement.” Clark was grasping for something that would get Batman talking, but the man only ever talked about criminals. “How are the crime rates in England?”

_Stricter gun laws limit gun crime, but other crime rates might be comparable._

More words would follow, giving Clark time to get to Gotham before the Bat suspected. Listening for a baritone speaking about crime Clark stepped off his balcony and flew to Gotham. He was hovering over Wayne Manor before it quite sunk in that he was flying, naturally and easily. It was a part of him now, just a Batman was about to be. A shift to x-ray vision and Clark found an expansive cave system under the imposing house. Under the waterfall seemed the largest entrance, so Clark headed for it.

An alarm blared as soon as Clark cleared the waterfall and a noxious gas filled the air before him. It only startled Clark but when he pushed through a familiar green light surrounded him, and brought him to the ground. Fighting to his knees Clark looked up in time to see a pair of gym shoes.

“Computer, reset intruder alarms.” Clark tried to look up at the mouth speaking, but couldn’t raise his head to look past the black sweat suit. “Will revise security parameters later.”

The green light was shut off, allowing a recovering Clark to look up and see Brucie’s face. He ignored the stun gun in Brucie’s right hand and katana in his left.

“Is that my reward for finding you, Captain Snark Brucie Batman Wayne?” Clark got a glare for his comment, but Batman did relax his posture before walking away.

By the time Clark got to his feet to follow the sword and stun gun had been put away. Batman was sitting before a rank of computers, Clark stayed two feet away to be friendly. Clark could spend hours exploring the cave and its components, but their owner was far more important right now.

“You can call me Clark, no need to be so formal as to call me the Blur.”

“Bruce is acceptable, unless I’m in costume. How did you find me?”

“What was that green light?”

“I asked first.”

“You almost killed me, I don’t think you have the politeness high ground here.”

“Politeness high ground?”

“You know what I mean. Explain the light and I’ll tell you how I found you.”

“Lead encased fiber optics that have Kryptonite worked into them for a dispersal of the radioactive signature.”

“Kryptonite? Do you mean the meteor rock?”

“I meant what I said. Meteoroids are rocks in space. Meteors are particles in the atmosphere and the light trail they leave. Space particles that land on the ground are called meteorites. The –ite suffix is applied to minerals. So, there are no such things as meteor rocks, though you could pass them off as meteorite rocks, though that would be as redundant as mineral rock. These rocks are fragments of your home planet, which the Watchtower lists as Krypton. Therefore, this mineral is Kryptonite.”

“What do you mean, fragments of Krypton?”

“They landed when you did, effect you differently than humans and have similar structural components of elements to your physical makeup.”

“How do you know what my physical makeup is? We’ve never been able to get a good sample!”

“It was really simple and you’ll feel like a fool if you make me tell you.”

With a statement like that, how could Clark not ask? “Please, anyway?”

“Brucie’s thank you kiss in the limo. I expected you to shed hair, eyelashes and skin cells as all species do. I wasn’t running my hands through your hair to turn you on, I was collecting samples.”

“You’re right again, I feel foolish. But once you had your sample, why’d you kiss me like that?”

“To preserve Brucie’s reputation. Now, I’ve answered your question.”

Clark knew what Brucie was asking, without asking. “You said Lex co. instead of Luther Co. Lex probably would have changed it eventually, but you and Brucie are the only ones who said it to me. So, I came over to take a look at the house.”

“It’s a manor.”

“With an impressive basement.”

“Occasionally my snarking leaks over into Brucie, but most people assume he’s too stupid to mean it that way. In the future, I will take greater care with that. Thank you; now go home to your mother.”

“No.”

“No? The Kryptonite is voice activated.”

Clark did the only thing he could think of, speeding over to place his hand over Bruce’s mouth. The icy glare should have made him retreat in fear, instead Clark felt a jolt of desire.

“I have to say something first. Are you sure you didn’t listen in after Mom opened the gift?” Bruce wasn’t in the best position to answer verbally, so he used another method.

“I see the Bat-glare of affirmation. It would have saved me from having to say this, but here it goes. You kissed me to get a genetic sample, but it opened my eyes to new possibilities. Captain Snark was a good friend when I needed one, even though he wouldn’t admit it. Not all of those conversations gave you valuable info. Batman is impressive, brilliant, scary, dangerous. When I realized that wet dream was my friend Captain Snark, I feel in love so hard the whole planet shook.”

Clark paused, but kept his hand firmly over Batman’s mouth, giving him time to digest this. “I can hear your heartbeat increasing and that’s not fear in your eyes. Are you going to deny it, deny me? Lie to me, tell me you weren’t disappointed when you didn’t get any texts from me during the party. I saw Brucie clinging to his phone, so what do you have to say to that?”

Clark pulled his hand away and slowly stepped back, expecting Mt. Saint Helens was about to redecorate the Batcave. “Fine.”

“Fine?” The calm word had confused Clark more than anything Brucie ever said. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Fine. We’ll have sex, maybe even several times, you’ll get over it and move on. When do you want to start?”

“Can you only listen when people don’t want you to? I’m talking about love, romance and forever.”

“Brucie can hold his own in those conversations.”

“Hey, that’s mean!” Another automatic response that Clark had to think through. “You’ve just offended me by comparing me to your alter ego. You are something!”

“The novelty wears off quickly, and you’ll have to explain your dalliance with your next girlfriend.”

“You know what would really be novel? If you told me how you felt, instead of just distracting me with reasoning.”

“Emotions are distractions.”

“A quote from Mr. Spock? At this point I’d really like to hear from Bruce, not the quote database in your head.”

“You intrigue me.”

“Fascinating.”

“Now who’s quoting Spock?”

“The one who’s honest about how he feels.” Looking away from Bruce, who was rolling his eyes, Clark noticed the space in the cave, and got an idea. “To misquote Dr. Seuss, to get the Grinch I’ve got an idea, an awful idea. To get the Grinch I’ve got a wonderful, awful idea.”

“I didn’t steal Christmas, I gave it to you.”

“That’s why I had to misquote it. Are you ready for my idea?”

Putting his elbow on the arm of his chair, Bruce leaned onto his fist with a look of vapid Brucie wonder and excitement.

Clark didn’t expect or need more encouragement than that. “If you don’t tell me how you feel, honestly and clearly, I’ll make you a full time member of the JL.”

“Geography fail.”

“We’ll go national just to include you, the Justice League of America or something. But then we’ll need a bigger meeting place.”

“I’ll rent you the Astrodome.”

“How many tables could you fit into this cave?”

“Empty threat.” Bruce was quick to reply, but his eyes narrowed. They both knew it wasn’t an empty threat, knew Clark would do it. He’d do whatever he had to if it got him Bruce in the end!

“How about if we moved the car outside? Two or three more tables?”

“You don’t want to force me to take you down.” The threat in Bruce’s voice was audible, telling Clark his plan was working. Bruce’s own secrecy and paranoia were distracting him!

“Snacks, we need snacks at these meetings. Impulse can eat a hundred bucks worth of food in ten minutes. I’ve timed him.”

“I am not paying for your little clubhouse!”

“You’re right, we’d need real food, after all those people traveled to be here. Do you have enough regular staff to cook for us?”

This was worth a highly emotional glare, suggesting if Batman had heat vision Clark would need a fire extinguisher right now.

“What about waiters, busboys, cleaning crew. Maybe a DJ?”

Bruce actually growled at that, probably having flashbacks of the insipid people at Brucie’s parties.

“We can set the bar up where your computers are. And a hot tub in the crime lab!”

“Enough! O.K. You need to think more, but you’re smart. You take the wrong things seriously, but you care. You’re beautiful and I love you, what’s that prove?”

“It proves you have to give us a chance!” Clark pulled Bruce out of the chair and to him, for a hug. He missed and found himself kissing Bruce instead. He felt Bruce hesitate, but Bruce relented before Clark could get too concerned.

With Bruce participating it was more than a kiss, it was an attempt to learn of and from each other. Does he like it when I run a hand inside his pants? Will he always moan when I nibble on the pulse point behind his ear? Is he trying to make me whimper? Is he as hard as I am? How long are we going to do this until he tells me it’s time for the bed?

“Bed. Now, Clark.” Bruce was pointing, so Clark followed his directions.

It was more difficult than it should have been, but Clark wasn’t able to stop kissing Bruce. Clark was also somewhat giddy with joy and whispered in Bruce’s ear between kisses.

“Yes, bed, because Santa knows when you’re asleep.”

“Bah humbug, boy scout.”

“Merry Christmas to you too, Mr. Grinch.”

sBSbBs


End file.
